Closure

Jose stared at him. He was, in her mind, an incredibly beautiful man and he was having one of his ‘famous’ house parties. Her mind drifted back to how things used to be. They used to have ‘a thing.’ Short but sweet; they used to do everything together. She liked being around him. She couldn’t put her finger on it. Perhaps it was his charismatic presence, or the way he remembered everything about her, or maybe it was that he didn’t want her the way she wanted him.

It wasn’t that he didn’t care; she truly believed that he did care for her. They had remained friends after all, he insisted. Over the summer they had gone their separate ways. Promising to rekindle what they had when they returned from their travels. However life never turns out the way you expect it to. While he had been backpacking he had met a girl. He was infatuated with her yet when they finally met after that long summer he was hesitant to tell her that he had met someone.

As he told Jose about his summer love, she had smiled, nodded her head and whispered how happy she was for him. On the outside she appeared calm and accepting. “Let’s stay friends,” he’d said. “Nothing will change. It will be just like before.”

“Sure,” she replied. How could things possibly be the same?

That night when she arrived home, she closed the door and instantly crumpled to the floor. It was like her legs could no longer bare the weight of what had happened, as she lay on the floor of her apartment she finally let herself feel. All her unspoken thoughts finally surfacing. The tears pooled and ran down her face, her breath heavy, came out in uncontrollable sobs. How did this happen? How could she have fallen so deeply for him, when he clearly felt nothing for her?

In the morning, the sunlight made her stir and for that brief moment between dreaming and waking she felt calm. However as she moved she realised that she still lay on the cold tiled floor of her apartment. Her muscles were sore, her eyes swollen and red. She glanced at her phone. She had a missed call and a message from him. He wanted to go for lunch later this afternoon. She couldn’t meet him. She couldn’t be friends. It was too hard. “We can’t be friends,” she typed.

Half an hour later her doorbell rang. She knew it was him. She opened the door, he looked angry. So she took a step back and folded her arms across her chest. He took one look at her and his expression softened. He brushed a stray piece of her from her face. “What’s wrong,’ he asked, his voice shook a little as he realised he already knew the answer. He pulled her into a hug and she began to sob. “I like you,” she cried, “I really like you.” Again her legs gave way but this time she didn’t fall upon the floor. He lifted her to his chest and placed her on the bed. “I didn’t mean to make you sad,” he whispered. “What can I do?”

The answer she gave and the answer she wanted to give varied completely. “I can’t be friends with you.”

“You’re sure that’s what you want?”

She nodded her head, not trusting herself to use words. “I’ll always be here for you, you know.” He kissed her on the forehead and held her close. She didn’t want him to leave, her tears poured down silently from her eyes leaving wet patches on his shirt.

He got up, and without looking back he walked out of the room. This was the last time he would walk through that door. The thought filled her with a heavy weight across her chest. It felt tight and everlasting.

Of course it wasn’t everlasting. One year on and things were the way they used to be. It had been hard initially and they left many things unspoken. Her feelings for him eventually began to fade. They were friends. Like he said they would be.

She gazed past him; there at the other side of the room flashing her his sexy white smile was her man. He tipped his head gesturing for her to come over. “You never dance with me,” he teased.

She smiled up at him, this incredible, patient man had made her realise what she wanted. For a long time she had held on to what she had thought she wanted. A friendship with the man who broke her heart but deep inside she knew she had always wanted more. As she searched his face she knew.

Sometimes you have to give up the things you want, for the things you want more. And everything she wanted more stood before her now.

“Let’s go,” she smiled, and without looking back they walked out of the room. She knew this would be the last time she would walk through his door and as she walked out she felt the weight finally release from her chest. Now she definitely had everything she wanted.

Should you try anything once?

When embarking on an adventure to find a new man, one has to look at ones best at all times. Because no matter what people say, sometimes a sparkly personality just doesn’t cut it.

The age old question that every woman asks herself is ‘how do you make yourself look good without turning your life upside down though eating plans and exercise schedules?’
The answer clearly lay hidden within Zumba. So every Tuesday evening we would put on our Zumba appropriate outfits ( bright, over the top, not flattering in any light outfits) and we would attend a ladies only Zumba class.
The class was fun. We spent most of the hour laughing at each others uncoordinated attempt at replicating the instructors moves. Don’t be fooled though because at the end of the hour we were incredibly hot and absolutely exhausted. The best version of ourselves here we come!

We became regulars and we began to make friends with the other ladies there. During one lesson I noticed one lady continuously looking back at me. I flashed her a big smile thinking she must have felt sorry for me and my poor attempt at Zumba dancing. The instructor called a short water break and we all bounced to our bottles located at the side of the Zumba tent.
Resisting the urge to pour the water over my head marathon runner style I took a deep sip. ” Hello,” I heard a voice say, ” are you new here?”
It was the staring lady from earlier.
“No,” I replied, ” I have been coming for a few weeks now.”
This small chat continued for a couple more minutes until the music started up again, which was our cue to get back on the dance floor.
The lady continually to look over her shoulder at me, I was starting to feel a little paranoid and I began to wonder if I had something in my teeth.
Eventually the class finished and we stood talking to the instructor for a bit. I glanced over my shoulder and the staring lady was having a drink. Was that my bottle she was drinking from? I’m sure it was an accident though, it would be easy to confuse my flowery sports bottle with her Aquafina pure bottled water, water bottle, right?
She gave a little wave, I guess I was staring at her this time. I hope my mouth hadn’t been open as I stared at her in confusion. I dorkily waved back and wondered over.
“I like your hair,” she said.
Was this lady serious? I had just been getting my sweat on for the past hour. I was an absolute riot. This time my mouth my definitely open.
“Thanks,” I mumbled back. Not really sure how to respond, I picked up MY flowery water bottle and started to walk toward the exit.
She grabbed my wrist. “Do you want to get a drink with me?” She smiled at me, her head cocked to one side.
Was she serious? Had I been single that long that my body was giving out signals to everyone in my radius?
Would it be so bad to date a woman? Maybe it would be a nice change. My mind worked double time weighing up the pros and cons. Was I actually considering this? Could I be bisexual? They say that bisexuality is just a layover on the way to being gay. Am I gay?

Girls are beautiful, complex, hard to understand creatures. I can’t even understand my own decisions sometimes..
Stood in that Zumba tent questioning my sexuality I realised that I wasn’t gay. At least I didn’t want to be gay that day.
So I pulled my hand away and made my excuses.
I walked out of the Zumba tent and that was the last time I did Zumba. Maybe one day I might fancy a little bit of Zumba again. It was a nice feeling knowing that Zumba was there if I ever wanted to do a little bit of crazy dancing . But for the time being I didn’t want to go too far from the rock pool. Mermaids were possibly a touch too exotic for me.

20130521-133154.jpg

Renaissance

Until last year I was one of those relationship people. I had a three year relationship with my childhood sweetheart followed by another, almost, three year relationship with my university boyfriend. Life was simple. People were normal. Boys were honest… and I, quite obviously knew nothing about anything.

In January 2012 I packed up my life and moved to the big city in the sand, also known as Doha, Qatar.
A great career and life move but apparently moving halfway across the world to work doesn’t do wonders for ones relationship.
Ergo in January 2012 I found myself many miles from home and for the first time ever. I was completely alone.

This is where my story begins and you had better believe I have some stories to tell…